Does it catch your attention?
Good, then. It is because right now I want to tell something new about me. Not really important of course. Who am I after all in your life?
But, it will be good if you stop by and read; maybe you will see something from many different perspectives.
Why do I keep barging you about different perspectives? Maybe you read my previous posts and I keep repeating it.
Do you know Sofie’s Verden, philosophical novel written by Jostein Gaarder? I read that novel when I was around 15 or 16—I don’t quite remember actually. One thing I really remember and has stucked in my head until now is about those who lived under the rabbit’s fur. Confused? Let me explain you. Those who lived in the rabbit’s fur tend to see from one perspective only. They only can look up to the sky and hope to jump out to see bigger view. But, they didn’t want to; the place where they lived right now is the safe zone. They are afraid to jump out and see the bigger view only to find out their expectation is no true. However, there are some people that jump out from the rabbit’s fur. Out of it, they become bigger and realize that the rabbit is so much smaller under their feet. They can look the rabbit completely. And even though it is true that their expectation didn’t fit the reality, they were relieved because at least they can see the bigger view.
It is the metaphor. Those who I call ‘they’ are us. We are who bounded in K-Pop world. We are who stuck in front of our laptop and scream our bias’s indefatigably. We are who spend our money to buy the merchandises and albums while we know can spend it for something else. We are who judge those who hate us for loving K-Pop.
Why don’t we leave? Why do we have stayed for so long? Why do feel being safe here? Even though there are many dramas in K-Pop, we still stay. Why?
First, it is because we only viewers. We are only those who watch. We don’t involve as any role in the dramas which K-Pop playing in. Maybe you can say that we are fans and we are involving in our idol’s life. Maybe you are saying you fall in love to your idols badly that you cannot leave him/her. But, once more, let me ask you: if you were the idols that you love, will you still being in K-Pop with so many absurdness and even you cannot distinguish which is your friend and your enemy? Maybe you will answer this in your heart: of course, that’s my dream. Of course I am going to stay. After all, it’s just problems in life, right? Some of you probably have different answers. Nonetheless, any answers given are still answers from you. Even though some people judge your answer, keep it up; because this answer is not about true or false, the answer is you choice.
Second, this place gives us so much hope: the hopes created by Disney and Barbie movie, the dreams created in fairytale, the desires to live happily ever after, and the sacrifice to meet our Prince(s) Charming. Who doesn’t want to be with Kim Jaejoong, Choi Siwon, Kim Jongin, G-Dragon, TOP, Lee Minho, Song Joongki, Tiffany, Jiyeon, Hyuna, and many more talented and almost-perfect K-Pop stars? This place initiates dreams: the dreams to be an author, the dreams to be the singer and dancer, the dreams to be staffs in showbiz world, and the dreams to go to Korea. Who doesn’t like this place?
Third, you are so happy here right? You can laugh watching so many variety shows, you can feel being in clouds watching fluffy dramas, you can feel adrenaline watching games they made, even the pain made by your idols somehow feel relieved. Who doesn’t like the place where you can laugh very hard? Who doesn’t like the place that can give you smile in your bad day?
Do you have more reasons why you stay in K-Pop, speak out in comment box J
But, guys, do you know, lately I don’t want to stay in my safe zone anymore. I want to jump out and see the world. I want to be real. I want to be existed for the world rather for one person only. I want the world to see myself as me. I want the world to know me not because my fandom, but because what I achieved. In short, I want to jump out from the rabbit’s fur and see the whole world through my eyes.
Have you ever thought this before?
You are saying you love them. You are falling in love with them. You are crazy because of them. They hypnotize you. They imprison you. Fortunately—or unfortunately—you are willing to be brought in the prison without any meaningful defend. Where do you see them? Laptop screen, concert, fan meeting, or on the road. Who are they at that time? Idol. Or maybe not if you saw them as trainee for the first time. But, again, hey.. When they become an idol, a company should build image for them unless they don’t want their idol to be special. The key is: image. This image created by company. Whether their image fits their character or not, it’s not company’s problem as long as they are company’s image every time camera captures them.
Now, let me ask you, your idols right now, are they the real person you still love in real world despite their talent and oh-my-fucking-God-so-handsome?
Can you answer it?
Before you answer it, think really really deeply, are they real, those who always make your heart skipped a beat?
For me, they are not.
You can bash me or blame me or throw shits to me but.. I don’t buy it. No one is responsible for my life, it’s just me. My choice, my consequences.
Do I have to state why? Maybe not. As this is a decision from my heart and not analysis like previous article, so it’s just something came out from me.
Are some of you from Indonesia? Maybe you know Dewi “Dee” Lestari, the author of Supernova Series. I am one of her fans. I read all of her books and her books are really giving me so many new knowledge and perspectives.
There is one part of her books that I always remember until now. It is from Ksatria, Putri, dan Bintang Jatuh: the viruses exist in the movie or anything comes on the screen. The viruses can change who you really are. The viruses infect you heart and your mind and even can control your emotion. You cry when the movie star cries. You smile when they smile. You are angry when they are angry. The viruses control your feeling. And if you can’t control your feeling even after you quit watching it, congratulation, the viruses are now in you. It absorbs who you really are. It creates the new you. You are becoming addicted to be infected by the viruses more and more. Slowly but sure, you are slowly forgetting who you really must be after this and who you were before this. The viruses even impact your choice in the future. It will be good if even though the viruses infect you, but you can still see the reality. Even so, it will be very bad if they blind you and capture you in non-sense image.
Let me ask you, when is the last time you go out and see the green of trees, the twinkle of stars, and the colors of flowers? When is the last time you feel breeze of air in your face? When is the last time you feel the sun was shining warmly to you? When?
That’s what I said. All this time, you stuck in front of your laptop or your gadget to spazz them. All this time, all you can do are seeing the nature landscape on your screen without really touch it for real? Maybe you think.. what for? You can spend that time to watch their performance rather than being like a fool to enjoy nature.
Let me tell you my experience.
A few months lately, I have been running a lot in the morning. If my schedules begun on 9 A.M, I would go out and run. At first, I did it on purpose to slim down my belly. But, it turns out to be my routine until now. Why? It is refreshing. It is so much and so much and so much fun than screaming in front of my laptop. It is tiring, yes. However, I can see the world. I can listen to bird, to wind, to river flow, and to people’s voice. I can sharpen my feelings. I can control emotion. I can hear how live I am when my heart is beating fast. Shortly, I feel alive.
Can’t believe me?
And see the world you are really living in right now.
And by all means, I started to lessen my fangirling time. I didn’t even know why. But, I felt like I found the old me by reading and writing something. At the same time, I felt like knowing the new Jihan. It felt weird at first. But, then, I started to enjoy it.
Which one do you prefer?
Or eternal warmth?
I prefer the last one. And I only can find it by unstan EXO.
You could say I am being fake fans right now. But, you know what, no one is responsible for my life.
What is being fake anyway? For now, honestly, I feel really silly to use word of “fake fans” and “true fans”. Is being fake fans and true fans affect your future? Is being fake fans and true fans define who you really are? It has been said that fake fans are those who left and chose to not supporting their idols. They turned their back. They broke their promise. In contrary, true fans are those who stay and got the back’s of their idols. They still support them no matter what. They still stand up straight besides their idols.
Now, let me ask you. Do you know why those “fake” fans chose to leave? Think really really deeply. Why?
This is my reason as “fake” fans like many of you said: I am tired to live in the drama. I am tired for being lied. I am tired to dream and close my eyes. I am feeling hollow every time I watched EXO lately. Once, I questioned myself. I even hated myself for being so easy leaving them. But, now, I come to the conclusion: I deserve to choose. And my choice is leaving for good.
To be very honest, I am a type of person who doesn’t give any shit to others think of me. As long as I didn’t hurt them, I should I being uncomfortable? And even you guys are accusing for being not devoted to EXO, I don’t care.
Do I regret to devote my time for the last few years for EXO? No, I don’t. EXO is still being part of me to grow up. EXO is one of my way to find myself. And now, it’s time for me to look for other’s way.
I would like to find my true self. I don’t want any viruses infect me anymore. I don’t want being responsible for others’ life. I wanna live happily as myself. I wanna fly with my own wings. I wanna being free from the the duty buying their albums and merchandises. I wanna buy things that I can use rather than I can only look. I wanna touch something real.
I want to be Jihan Anggraini without any fandom attached behind my name.
I am not saying that you have to quit being K-Popers to find who you really are. No.
We all have different destiny and way of life.
This is the way I choose right now.
But, allow me to suggest some things:
- Go out. Feel the fresh air. See the nature. Listen to the bird. Talk with cat. Be one with this Earth.
- When is the last time you say “I love you” to your family? Maybe you are too busy saying “I love you” to your bias. Now, time to say the same things to your family. Or to your friends. Or to anyone who has stood up right beside you all this time.
- Get lost. Find new place you’ve never known before. Explore.
- Read more. If you don’t like to read, read anything that catches your attention. Even reading the least important things are matter to increase your logic and mental skill.
What else? You can add it in comment box J
Well, maybe that’s all for know. I feel really relieved and happy to write it that stucked up in my mind for long time.
World doesn’t owe you neither way you do.
Be the truly you.
P.S Maybe some of you are being curious about whether I will continue or not in researching what’s wrong in SM Entertainment. Don’t worry. I will keep doing it. My friends are still EXOSTAN and I always get the updates from them. And trust me, I am really good in stalking something, even in real life.