OT12 Great title, huh?

Does it catch your attention?

Good, then. It is because right now I want to tell something new about me. Not really important of course. Who am I after all in your life?

But, it will be good if you stop by and read; maybe you will see something from many different perspectives.

Why do I keep barging you about different perspectives? Maybe you read my previous posts and I keep repeating it.

Do you know Sofie’s Verden, philosophical novel written by Jostein Gaarder? I read that novel when I was around 15 or 16—I don’t quite remember actually. One thing I really remember and has stucked in my head until now is about those who lived under the rabbit’s fur. Confused? Let me explain you. Those who lived in the rabbit’s fur tend to see from one perspective only. They only can look up to the sky and hope to jump out to see bigger view. But, they didn’t want to; the place where they lived right now is the safe zone. They are afraid to jump out and see the bigger view only to find out their expectation is no true. However, there are some people that jump out from the rabbit’s fur. Out of it, they become bigger and realize that the rabbit is so much smaller under their feet. They can look the rabbit completely. And even though it is true that their expectation didn’t fit the reality, they were relieved because at least they can see the bigger view.

It is the metaphor. Those who I call ‘they’ are us. We are who bounded in K-Pop world. We are who stuck in front of our laptop and scream our bias’s indefatigably. We are who spend our money to buy the merchandises and albums while we know can spend it for something else. We are who judge those who hate us for loving K-Pop.

Why don’t we leave? Why do we have stayed for so long? Why do feel being safe here? Even though there are many dramas in K-Pop, we still stay. Why?

First, it is because we only viewers. We are only those who watch. We don’t involve as any role in the dramas which K-Pop playing in. Maybe you can say that we are fans and we are involving in our idol’s life. Maybe you are saying you fall in love to your idols badly that you cannot leave him/her. But, once more, let me ask you: if you were the idols that you love, will you still being in K-Pop with so many absurdness and even you cannot distinguish which is your friend and your enemy? Maybe you will answer this in your heart: of course, that’s my dream. Of course I am going to stay. After all, it’s just problems in life, right? Some of you probably have different answers. Nonetheless, any answers given are still answers from you. Even though some people judge your answer, keep it up; because this answer is not about true or false, the answer is you choice.

Second, this place gives us so much hope: the hopes created by Disney and Barbie movie, the dreams created in fairytale, the desires to live happily ever after, and the sacrifice to meet our Prince(s) Charming. Who doesn’t want to be with Kim Jaejoong, Choi Siwon, Kim Jongin, G-Dragon, TOP, Lee Minho, Song Joongki, Tiffany, Jiyeon, Hyuna, and many more talented and almost-perfect K-Pop stars? This place initiates dreams: the dreams to be an author, the dreams to be the singer and dancer, the dreams to be staffs in showbiz world, and the dreams to go to Korea. Who doesn’t like this place?

Third, you are so happy here right? You can laugh watching so many variety shows, you can feel being in clouds watching fluffy dramas, you can feel adrenaline watching games they made, even the pain made by your idols somehow feel relieved. Who doesn’t like the place where you can laugh very hard? Who doesn’t like the place that can give you smile in your bad day?

Do you have more reasons why you stay in K-Pop, speak out in comment box J

But, guys, do you know, lately I don’t want to stay in my safe zone anymore. I want to jump out and see the world. I want to be real. I want to be existed for the world rather for one person only. I want the world to see myself as me. I want the world to know me not because my fandom, but because what I achieved. In short, I want to jump out from the rabbit’s fur and see the whole world through my eyes.

Have you ever thought this before?

You are saying you love them. You are falling in love with them. You are crazy because of them. They hypnotize you. They imprison you. Fortunately—or unfortunately—you are willing to be brought in the prison without any meaningful defend. Where do you see them? Laptop screen, concert, fan meeting, or on the road. Who are they at that time? Idol. Or maybe not if you saw them as trainee for the first time. But, again, hey.. When they become an idol, a company should build image for them unless they don’t want their idol to be special. The key is: image. This image created by company. Whether their image fits their character or not, it’s not company’s problem as long as they are company’s image every time camera captures them.

Now, let me ask you, your idols right now, are they the real person you still love in real world despite their talent and oh-my-fucking-God-so-handsome?

Can you answer it?

Before you answer it, think really really deeply, are they real, those who always make your heart skipped a beat?

For me, they are not.

You can bash me or blame me or throw shits to me but.. I don’t buy it. No one is responsible for my life, it’s just me. My choice, my consequences.

Do I have to state why? Maybe not. As this is a decision from my heart and not analysis like previous article, so it’s just something came out from me.

Are some of you from Indonesia? Maybe you know Dewi “Dee” Lestari, the author of Supernova Series. I am one of her fans. I read all of her books and her books are really giving me so many new knowledge and perspectives.

There is one part of her books that I always remember until now. It is from Ksatria, Putri, dan Bintang Jatuh: the viruses exist in the movie or anything comes on the screen. The viruses can change who you really are. The viruses infect you heart and your mind and even can control your emotion. You cry when the movie star cries. You smile when they smile. You are angry when they are angry. The viruses control your feeling. And if you can’t control your feeling even after you quit watching it, congratulation, the viruses are now in you. It absorbs who you really are. It creates the new you. You are becoming addicted to be infected by the viruses more and more. Slowly but sure, you are slowly forgetting who you really must be after this and who you were before this. The viruses even impact your choice in the future. It will be good if even though the viruses infect you, but you can still see the reality. Even so, it will be very bad if they blind you and capture you in non-sense image.

Let me ask you, when is the last time you go out and see the green of trees, the twinkle of stars, and the colors of flowers? When is the last time you feel breeze of air in your face? When is the last time you feel the sun was shining warmly to you? When?

Can’t remember?

That’s what I said. All this time, you stuck in front of your laptop or your gadget to spazz them. All this time, all you can do are seeing the nature landscape on your screen without really touch it for real? Maybe you think.. what for? You can spend that time to watch their performance rather than being like a fool to enjoy nature.

Let me tell you my experience.

A few months lately, I have been running a lot in the morning. If my schedules begun on 9 A.M, I would go out and run. At first, I did it on purpose to slim down my belly. But, it turns out to be my routine until now. Why? It is refreshing. It is so much and so much and so much fun than screaming in front of my laptop. It is tiring, yes. However, I can see the world. I can listen to bird, to wind, to river flow, and to people’s voice. I can sharpen my feelings. I can control emotion. I can hear how live I am when my heart is beating fast. Shortly, I feel alive.

Can’t believe me?

Try it.

And see the world you are really living in right now.

And by all means, I started to lessen my fangirling time. I didn’t even know why. But, I felt like I found the old me by reading and writing something. At the same time, I felt like knowing the new Jihan. It felt weird at first. But, then, I started to enjoy it.

Which one do you prefer?

One-time heat?

Or eternal warmth?

I prefer the last one. And I only can find it by unstan EXO.

You could say I am being fake fans right now. But, you know what, no one is responsible for my life.

What is being fake anyway? For now, honestly, I feel really silly to use word of “fake fans” and “true fans”. Is being fake fans and true fans affect your future? Is being fake fans and true fans define who you really are? It has been said that fake fans are those who left and chose to not supporting their idols. They turned their back. They broke their promise. In contrary, true fans are those who stay and got the back’s of their idols. They still support them no matter what. They still stand up straight besides their idols.

Now, let me ask you. Do you know why those “fake” fans chose to leave? Think really really deeply. Why?

This is my reason as “fake” fans like many of you said: I am tired to live in the drama. I am tired for being lied. I am tired to dream and close my eyes. I am feeling hollow every time I watched EXO lately. Once, I questioned myself. I even hated myself for being so easy leaving them. But, now, I come to the conclusion: I deserve to choose. And my choice is leaving for good.

To be very honest, I am a type of person who doesn’t give any shit to others think of me. As long as I didn’t hurt them, I should I being uncomfortable? And even you guys are accusing for being not devoted to EXO, I don’t care.

Do I regret to devote my time for the last few years for EXO? No, I don’t. EXO is still being part of me to grow up. EXO is one of my way to find myself. And now, it’s time for me to look for other’s way.

I would like to find my true self. I don’t want any viruses infect me anymore. I don’t want being responsible for others’ life. I wanna live happily as myself. I wanna fly with my own wings. I wanna being free from the the duty buying their albums and merchandises. I wanna buy things that I can use rather than I can only look. I wanna touch something real.

I want to be Jihan Anggraini without any fandom attached behind my name.

I am not saying that you have to quit being K-Popers to find who you really are. No.

We all have different destiny and way of life.

This is the way I choose right now.

But, allow me to suggest some things:

  1. Go out. Feel the fresh air. See the nature. Listen to the bird. Talk with cat. Be one with this Earth.
  2. When is the last time you say “I love you” to your family? Maybe you are too busy saying “I love you” to your bias. Now, time to say the same things to your family. Or to your friends. Or to anyone who has stood up right beside you all this time.
  3. Get lost. Find new place you’ve never known before. Explore.
  4. Read more. If you don’t like to read, read anything that catches your attention. Even reading the least important things are matter to increase your logic and mental skill.

What else? You can add it in comment box J

Well, maybe that’s all for know. I feel really relieved and happy to write it that stucked up in my mind for long time.

Be happy.

Be strong.

Be beautiful.

World doesn’t owe you neither way you do.

Be you.

Be the truly you.


Jihan Anggraini

P.S Maybe some of you are being curious about whether I will continue or not in researching what’s wrong in SM Entertainment. Don’t worry. I will keep doing it. My friends are still EXOSTAN and I always get the updates from them. And trust me, I am really good in stalking something, even in real life.


10 comments on “[HEART] UNSTAN EXO

  1. first of all, what’s wrong with you?? and also you basically said that we’re being delusional and we should get out of this kpop world and face the real deal. why don’t do both of them at the same time?? ranting here on your blog with get you what? and you like dee. so?? i like raditya dika and ika natassa and exo and big bang and my life is just fine with all of them swirling at the same time in my head. if you’re only going to hate kpop eventually, why did you like them in the beginning anyway? sorry for my rant.
    but yeah, i’m not really sorry though.

    • Honey, this is my blog.
      I am writing from my point of view. If we have different opinion, does it bother you?
      Well, if it does, don’t read it and you’ll be fine.

      Why do I like them? I already mentioned it.
      As I said, this is my blog. And no one has right to judge my choice, including you and others.

      After all, have a nice day ^^

  2. tbh, i agree with you and your choice to leave for good. i’m trying too, i’ve tried back then, but i failed, and now i’m trying, but i feel like i’m trap in exo’s maze haha. it’s crazy to say i love them while they’re loving others. it’s like a wing who can’t find its pair. it’s crazy when i realized all i have in my laptop is their photos, not mine, my family or friends. and it’s crazy to realize i’m living in a delusional world. but i enjoy it, even tho i know i need to move, since i’ve grown now. i wish i can be like you, leave for good, and face my own future, my own dream, my own life and live with my name, not my bias’s name. but thanks to them (EXO & other) because I know there’s much things wich is amazing out there. i wish I can be like them. they already got their star, i want to get mine too. but this status as ‘fan’ won’t let me. i wish i can follow you soon. i need to face this world of mine, w/o ‘fan’ status, just my name~ 🙂
    but i need time… hahaha 😀

    • Hey dear 🙂
      Thanks a lot for your sweet comment.

      Yep, loving someone too much with no return can give such terrible despair. But, it’s love. There is another side of love too: happiness. And I am happy because you still can find happiness in EXO unlike me 🙂

      Take your time dear. But, remember this: only the death fish who is willing to follow the stream 🙂

      Don’t listen to others once you already find yourself. As long as you don’t hurt them, everything’s gonna be okay ^^

  3. i’m sorry but you make your own drama…?
    All the kpop or korean things purpose is to entertain you. That’s the point. Your idol is on the job to entertain you. Their image that made/? by their company (you said) entertain you, purposely.
    But it’s seems you wrong about it from the first.
    They broke their promise, their company is fooling us, they lie to us and ALL drama that you make..i’m sorry, i mean that you said, if you take it all of them WISELY you wouldn’t be like this.
    Some ppl said that kpop is one part of their life. You don’t have to forget the world to be a kpop fangirl. Bc we live with it. Bc kpop is just A PART of our life.
    Fyi i’m a fangirl, and most of my bestfriend are kpop fan. We live happily, we often go out tgt to enjoy/? the nature, we didn’t discuss kpop ALL the time bc we have our own life with it’s own problem, we read trilogy, we enjoy other music and movie too, we didn’t forget to say ‘i love you’ to our family, and we go out for exercise too (rarely bc we are laziest shit loljk). So completely we are fine.
    And for me, they are one of inspiration. And like you do, i love reading and writing too. Bc of kpop, i feel my skills on writing is improved bc i made and read awesome fanficts with awesome conflicts. And who didn’t acknowledge the awesomeness of kdrama plot? they are also make me wanna gave them all my thumbs.
    I bought their albums bc i love their music. So i’m sorry i love them bc their tallents not appereance (their looks is just bonus for me lol). And you know, I love them SO much, so that make me wanna see them success to catch their dreams (without forgetting my own dreams lol) with supporting them.
    All they needs is support right?
    So… i didn’t forced you to stay. Ofc you deserve to choose. But i said this bc this is something like open-discussion/? right?
    I said this bc i wanna share my opinions to you that kpop or kworld is not something bad like you-24-hours-in-front-of-your-monitor-then-scream-crazily lol
    So once again, you didn’t have to forget your world to love kpop.
    You live with it :–)
    with loves, peace, and no hate xoxo

    • Hey dear 🙂
      First of all, thank you so much to share your thought with me ^^

      You know what, when the very first time I was addicted to K-Pop, I abandoned reality. And you are right, I built my own drama. I cannot love normally. I have to be really attached to it. I know some people who is sitting in front of their laptop 24 hours and scream crazily in my real life. Trust me, there are some kind of people.

      Honestly, I am just tired to live in K-Pop. Too much drama in fandom. Too much tears, but also too much laughter. And just like I said in my article, now I feel a lot happier and relieved without fandom problem, spazzing my oppars, and screaming in front of my laptop hehe.

      I have to catch my own dreams. And i know I cannot do it by still loving K-Pop. Maybe you are not like me. But, I am that kind of people. I have to be so focused to win my own game.
      They are trying to reach their dreams, so I can do the same right? ^^

      You know what, before I wrote this, I had been trying to watch EXO MV, variety show, live performance, CF, photoshoot. I was usually happy. I usually screamed.
      But, guess what, I didn’t feel anyhing. I felt numb.
      I know that deep in my heart, I already chose. And this is my way. I do really wish this way will lead me to reach my dreams 🙂

  4. thats what i always thought. am i really have to unstan? am i really have to leave this fandom? am i really have to take care of my own life? but in the other side, i really tired of being lied by them, by idol who i really loved. it seems like we dont really important for their life. as far as they happy enough, we “fans” just like shadow for them. they have girlfriend, such a beautiful girlfriend, maybe we just someone who being under her. it makes me look so pity when they “my idol” say they love their fans..
    and last night, my bestfriend gave me this article, such article that give me courage to make my final choice. maybe i will following you, leave for good. i miss nature, nature that i have abandoned for several years. i miss it, i miss it for sure just like you :’) i know, i cant straight away turn back from them, couse it will need some process. but i won’t hate exo or kpop. they’ve colored my life until now.
    thankyou so much for writing this, thankyou 🙂

    • Hi, dear 🙂

      First, you don’t have to feel being underestimated by your idol or your idol’s girlfriend. I am sure that your idol still feel their fans are the treasure for their career. Don’t look down on yourself. And also don’t look down on your idol and judge something we don’t know.

      Keep asking questions. That’s what I’ve been doing until I came to this conclusion: leaving them. Keep asking questions which swirling around in your head. Perhaps your questions will lead you to another question rather than to asnwers. But, that is process. That is process of life. We grow up, we love, we stay, we leave.
      Remember that it is not about what decision we made, but our responsibility to make us keep doing it.
      If you leave them, live your life better. Catch your own dreams; because we deserve to choose.

      You know what, last night I looked at the stars for the first time after months of questioning my life. Those stars are so beautiful. Those stars are innocent, they are not lying to me, they are beautiful without any artificial touch. And I know, I made the right decision: leaving my fandom for good.

      Take your time to think. I am sure you will find your way ^^

  5. eonni~~ orang Indonesia kan ? aku pakek bahasa kali yah ? berarti eonni tipe Kpopers yang cuman diam di laptop dong ? tapi aku di Kpop mengenal banyak temen. alasan eonni ninggalin Kpop karena cuman ingin menjalani real life ? aku bisa kok menjalani real life sambil jadi Fangirling. mungkin dulu eonni Kpopers yang hanya stay di depan laptop. maaf ya ^^~

    • Hai dear 🙂
      Yep, km bener. Dulu.. hmm.. 4 tahun yg lalu, waktu eonni pertama kali kenal K-Pop, kerjaan eonni emang di depan laptop terus. Hehe. 1 tahun habis itu, baru deh eonni mulai punya banyak kenalan gara2 K-Pop.
      Nah, beberapa tahun ini.. hmm.. 2 tahun selama eonni kuliah, eonni ga terlalu mikirin K-Pop, soalnya kebanyakan temen2 eonni itu non k-popers. Dan, anehnya, eonni lebih suka diri eonni yg sekarang ini, bukan k-popers. Hehehe.
      Dan alasannya bukan cuma mau ngejalanin real life kok sayang. Km baca artikelnya kan? Jujur, eonni merasa lebih hidup sekarang tanpa K-Pop, tanpa ngomongin K-pop, tanpa nonton mereka, tanpa kehidupan fangirl yg dulu deh pokoknya.
      Dulu, mama eonni bilang gini, “Nanti km pasti bakal berhenti kayak gini (jadi k-popers maksudnya), km bakal ngelihat mereka sebagai salah satu fase hidup km, dan bukan sebagai tujuan hidup.” Dulu, eonni ketawa lo. Soalnya eonni ngerasa bahagiaaaaaaa bgt jadi k-popers. Jadi ga bakal mgkn berhenti deh.
      Nah, sekarang, eonni baru ngerti maksud mama. K-Pop itu salah satu fase hidup eonni buat dewasa. Dan sekarang, saatnya untuk ke fase hidup lain yg membuat eonni lebih dewasa.

      Km ga kenal eonni di real life sih ya… Makanya komen kayak gini. Hehehe. Ga papa kok. Semua orang punya pilihan dan jalannya masing-masing, km nanti pasti akan dapat jalan km ^^

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