[HEART] SUICIDAL MOMENT

Suicide_by_OmilleThis is December 31st, the last day in 2014. There are still a few hours remaining to the new beginning of 2015. There are still a few hours remaining to make a new resolution or just to simply examine what we haven’t done this year and do it in 2015. As for me, there are still a few hours to cry.

No hard feeling. It’s okay, though. I get depressed easily. I cry easily. I think too much, that’s why. However, deep down I still wonder if there’s something wrong in my mental health. You know, there’s this thing called committing suicide. I don’t know whether it’s just me or is it also happened to a zillion people out there, but I also think about doing it every time I got tired with my life. It’s not that I had a very bad life whatsoever. In fact, I have a very wonderful life: family, friends, love, money, beauty, brain, attitude, you name it. And yes, I was so happy until a few hours before my parents fought.

I am a super drama queen, so when my parents fought, it seems like my world is going to fall apart. Actually, it is not that simple. I’ve got a younger brother and I don’t want him to feel bad for what he is seeing and listening to right now. I am the oldest child and I am supposed to do anything to make him feel comfortable. Yet, I still don’t know what to do.

Let me recall this kind of stupid fight thing. We were supposed to go to watch some kind of cosplay show this afternoon. But, I thought it would be canceled because my mom was so busy in the office. So, I gave up asking my dad and just sob on my bed. It happened that my dad called my mom and as she said, yelled at her, and it made my mom feeling bad because she was in the middle of important meeting. And you can guess what happened in epilog. My mom left the meeting, went home, screamed back to my dad, and we canceled our plan.

All I wish right now is they will stop fighting tomorrow or I’ll go back to my boarding house.

But, what will happen to my brother if I leave him? Well, the truth is, he’s not that young, he’s teen after all. Nevertheless, I don’t want to be selfish here. I am supposed to act mature and face everything like a Wonder Woman. Hell yeah.. The perk of being a first child.

But, seriously.. Have you ever had this thought of just wanting to slit your wrist or take ten pills of Paracetamol? Well, I have. And trust me; it is really hard to control that evil monster in your head.

When I was child, I didn’t think about committing suicide if my parents were mad at me. Instead, I would pack my clothes and pretend as if I was going to run away. And I always stopped at a front door, very scared to make my lets-run-away-from-home-and-have-a-happy-life-by-my-own happened. I still wonder if I really did it, though. Who knows where it would take me?

You know what I am listening to right now? It’s Room of Angel by Akira Yamaoka. It’s Silent Hill’s soundtrack. If you know Silent Hill movie or Silent Hill game, you must be happened to know what kind of song I am listening to. Gotcha! It’s suicidal song. Maybe I hope this song will initiate some guts and put a spell in me, so unconsciously I will take a knife and slit my wrist. Bloody tragedy, huh?

With red,

Rosa Azazil

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