[HEART TO HEART] I Found Him

Around 6 years ago, I was in Soekarno-Hatta airport, just finished my national debate competition. Too bad, we lost.Too much pressure from school and from our region killed our confidence. Thus, I prayed. I know that my prayer had nothing to do with the competition, but somehow it has everything to do with how that competition made me feel.

All my life before that, I had been thinking into being ‘someone’, someone who can change the world and has big impact worldwide. I wanted to inspire many people. I wanted to be the reason why people want to change to be better. But, at that time, on the plane, I changed my dream: I only want to find someone who is worthy enough to change myself to be better.

Years passed by, heartbreak hit, tears poured down, fuckboy everywhere, that someone is still ‘zilch’. Until I arrived to the point when I no longer cared to boys and just be whoever the fuck I wanted to be. I had wild photoshoot, being kinda intimate and a lil sexting with some boys, being att-whore. And I thought to myself, “I won’t let anyone to change who I really am.”

Then, he came along. If you were Indonesian, perhaps you’re familiar with this phrase taken from Avatar cartoon credits, “Sebelum negara api menyerang.” He is my “Negara Api.” My world came tumbling down. He overhauls everything I believed in. Bare skin? Cross that out. Sexy transparent blouse? Cross that out. Hot pants? Cross that out. Wild photoshoot? Cross that out. Smoking and drinking? Cross that out. To be precise, he crosses all the bad things in my and I AM FINE WITH THAT. Once, I hated being told to by someone, even by my mom. But, now? This boy who hasn’t been here for 22 years told me to leave out all my transparent blouse? Yes, Captain! You got that! I am willingly accept it!

He fucking changed everything. Like, literally everything. Even he changed the way I see the world. And yes, people, I love it. And yes, he is the one. And yes, if God does exist, he did answer my prayer 6 years ago.

I tried a few things, whether he really is the one or not. And yes, he is. Nothing in the world can make me feel any better but him, not even Jaejoong nor text from other guys. He practically became the only reason why I am happy.

So, yeah, I found him. I did find him. I do find him.

 

Sign,

Rosa Azazil

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