Dear You, this is for You. I could not explain myself through our short chat and verbal interaction. So, let me write it here.
When we love each other, do we love another or do we love ourselves more? This is a tricky question. When we love each other, what another does will affect our well-being. Thus, we try to control them. What for? To make our well-being stable. For example, we told someone to be careful on their way to work, we don’t want them to get hurt because it will make us worried and sad. When I love you, maybe I love myself more than I love you. Is this love or attachment? I don’t know. But, attachment should be okay with any person, right? But, I am just attached to you. So, tell me. What feeling is this? We just had a fight and you told me that I am the “queen of my life” and everything should be all about me. How is it possible that everything is always about me when I am always worried when you don’t reply my chat? How is it possible that everything is always about me when I never asked you to upload our pictures? How is it possible that everything is always about me when I never ask you to buy me stuffs or food? How is it possible that everything is always about me when I never force you to meet me every week? How is it possble that everything is always about me? If you think that all I am doing just hurts you or that I never understand you, please just leave. Just tell me right away that “I am tired” and “Let’s break up.” And don’t come back even if I beg you to. I don’t want to be with you only to hurt each other. I want you to be happy. If you’re not happy with me, please just leave. I beg you. Don’t fucking stay just because you don’t wanna find another. I can’t make you happy with my selfishness, my attachment to you, my insecurity, and so on. I can’t change myself. Just leave, please. I don’t want to hurt you with who I am and I don’t want to get hurt with words you said, either. It hurts enough without it.
I cannot say anything else. I reacted to people’s anger a little bit late. I was fine when you said “good night.” Now, when I recall, it hurts. I hurt you, you hurt me too. It’s a draw. So, why should we be together only to hurt each other?