[HEART TO HEART] TUAN

Tuan, jika kau pergi, bisa ingatkan aku cara bangun pagi tanpa mengecek pemberitahuan obrolan darimu di telepon pintarku?

Tuan, jika kau pergi, bisa ingatkan aku cara tidak langsung pergi padamu jika aku ingin menceritakan sesuatu?

Tuan, jika kau pergi, bisa ajarkan aku cara lupa dengan rasa nyaman pelukmu?

Tuan, jika kau pergi, bisa ajarkan aku untuk terus hidup tanpa tergugu?

Karena rasanya aku tak mampu.

Andai kau tahu.

[HEART TO HEART] PERKARA JODOH

Hai, blog yang sudah dipenuhi sarang laba-laba. Kira-kira ada berapa kepala kelurga laba-laba di sini? Apa laba-laba yang ada di sini sudah cukup untuk membuat Negara Laba-Laba? Jika iya, bisakah aku ikut? Aku memang tidak tahu cra menjadi laba-laba, tapi paling tidak aku tidak akan memusnahkan kalian dengan cara menginjak-injak koloni yang sudah dibangun di sini. Baiklah, aku mulai melantur. Salahkan bulan puasa yang setiap tahun tak kusukai dan satu kotak es krim yang sangat ingin kumakan sekarang.

Jadi, untuk apa aku di sini? Aku lelah dengan suara di kepalaku. Berbicara pada orang lain jelas akan mendapat nasehat yang sama, yaitu sabar. Berbicara dengan sumber yang bersangkutan juga tak mungkin karena emosiku pasti akan meledak. Yang saat ini kupercayai hanya Mimi dan Lutung. Sisanya, aku tak yakin.

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[HEART TO HEART] I Found Him

Around 6 years ago, I was in Soekarno-Hatta airport, just finished my national debate competition. Too bad, we lost.Too much pressure from school and from our region killed our confidence. Thus, I prayed. I know that my prayer had nothing to do with the competition, but somehow it has everything to do with how that competition made me feel.

All my life before that, I had been thinking into being ‘someone’, someone who can change the world and has big impact worldwide. I wanted to inspire many people. I wanted to be the reason why people want to change to be better. But, at that time, on the plane, I changed my dream: I only want to find someone who is worthy enough to change myself to be better.

Years passed by, heartbreak hit, tears poured down, fuckboy everywhere, that someone is still ‘zilch’. Until I arrived to the point when I no longer cared to boys and just be whoever the fuck I wanted to be. I had wild photoshoot, being kinda intimate and a lil sexting with some boys, being att-whore. And I thought to myself, “I won’t let anyone to change who I really am.”

Then, he came along. If you were Indonesian, perhaps you’re familiar with this phrase taken from Avatar cartoon credits, “Sebelum negara api menyerang.” He is my “Negara Api.” My world came tumbling down. He overhauls everything I believed in. Bare skin? Cross that out. Sexy transparent blouse? Cross that out. Hot pants? Cross that out. Wild photoshoot? Cross that out. Smoking and drinking? Cross that out. To be precise, he crosses all the bad things in my and I AM FINE WITH THAT. Once, I hated being told to by someone, even by my mom. But, now? This boy who hasn’t been here for 22 years told me to leave out all my transparent blouse? Yes, Captain! You got that! I am willingly accept it!

He fucking changed everything. Like, literally everything. Even he changed the way I see the world. And yes, people, I love it. And yes, he is the one. And yes, if God does exist, he did answer my prayer 6 years ago.

I tried a few things, whether he really is the one or not. And yes, he is. Nothing in the world can make me feel any better but him, not even Jaejoong nor text from other guys. He practically became the only reason why I am happy.

So, yeah, I found him. I did find him. I do find him.

 

Sign,

Rosa Azazil

[HEART] You are One of My Special Memories

There are some special memories that I carry throughout my life; they are my father’s protection when I fell from his motorbike (he hurt himself in order to save me from pain), my imaginary world with my brother when we were young (we lived in the sea and our house was built of clamp), my mom’s hug in the middle of the night while whispering that I was her most precious diamond (I was upset to her because she didn’t let me watching midnight romance serial in the television), my first conversation with my bestfriend–intan, my sister’s comforting hug every time I felt like giving up, and the last, everything you did–and I do really wish you will always do it all over again–to me these couple of months. What are they? Oh, darling, words are far too easy to describe them, and even I lost count of them. But, let me try with the easiest ones: your back that I always hug while we are riding on your motorbike, your cute smile to me, your head that sometimes lean on my shoulder, your heartbeat, your gaze, your warm hug (that kind of hug that always assures me that everything’s gonna be okay even if dinosaurs return from their death), and your whisper of ‘I love you’. I could close my eyes and repeat those scenes over and over and over and over and over again.
I used to think that finding someone you love and loves you back is surreal and impossible. Then, you came along like a summer breeze and spring flower. You didn’t even try to break the walls I made to protect myself from hurting, it fell by itself, and I didn’t even give a fuck. It’s like finding the right piece to my puzzle and damn, I really love the feeling, and I love you. I do wish I am not the only who fall this hard, I hope you do too. I hope both of us really fall into this stupid hole that we called the love madness.

With love,
Rosa Azazil

[HEART TO HEART] The Same You, Again

Hey, you again. It’s me, again, the same stupid girl. Are you wondering what I am doing now? Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I just asked you what you are doing now three minutes ago via chat. (I wish you ask the same thing to me, though).
It has been 5 months, excluding one week we spent trying to figure out whether we wanted to bring stuffs we did into relationships or not. These are incredible 5 months, I must say. Roller-coaster chat, conversation, dates, games, movies, fights, insecurities, you can add more points here.
Let me tell you one secret, I’ve never planned in falling in love with you this deep, or loving you this deep, or sticking with you in this relationship this deep. I thought the comforts you gave to me in our first meeting will be enough for me, and no love would be involved. Why? It is because once I love, I love fierce, I don’t love casually, and sometimes it is a burden. I’ve been hurt too many times and I couldn’t handle it if I have go through that heartbreak once more. So, yeah, I’ve tried hard, so hard, to keep this heart in place. I know that was easy so easy to love you, and I kept telling myself that you might hurt me, that nothing lasts forever, that goodbye was around the corner. Therefore, I stayed at the verge of valley, preventing myself to jump. Perhaps, I could keep myself from falling to you by telling myself that love hurts. That was lie; I was wrong. I couldn’t help it. I fell, at last, deep and terrible. Even when I jumped, I didn’t even know whether we shared the mutual feeling or not. That was a risky jump, but I did it anyway. Did I regret it? Sometimes, yes, when this love feels too big to be handled by myself, when I miss the old me who was being independent, when I had to accept the fact that you were too busy to give me full attention. Yet, you are a miracle, an answer, a freaking gift, I am thankful to have someone like you whom I can say good morning to, tell how my days are, share secrets with, playing games with, being silly with, and I would still choose you in a hundred lifetimes.
This has been 5 months only and I still have no idea how come I could feel this way. It is scary to imagine how big this love gonna be in the future.
I did mistakes, yesterday, didn’t I? We have different common sense and perceptions and I should have asked you about that. Again, I am terribly sorry for causing you headache and for not telling you about that. It is a new challenge, isn’t it? Perhaps we’re gonna encounter it again later. Perhaps we’re gonna fight again. Perhaps we’re gonna be selfish again. But, you know what, I am fine with that. As long as I do it with you, following things don’t matter. And even if I have to give up my current common sense about this world, I am fine. You’re with me, that’s all matter.

With faith,
Rosa Azazil

[HEART] You: Smile and Scent

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Hey, you.
It is 11.11 PM and I am writing about you. This is January 12th 2016 and the 122nd after the very first time I saw you in front of my boarding house. You were asleep, I know, you sent me that cute sticker, Bony and Cony hugging each other.
Allow me to write this while you’re still mine. You are probably about to go since it is tiring to be with someone as childish, as selfish, and as spoiled as me. When you’re gone, I’ll be damned to write about how much I love someone who isn’t even mine. I need to write this, you know that, or my heart will explode.

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