[HEART TO HEART] PERKARA JODOH

Hai, blog yang sudah dipenuhi sarang laba-laba. Kira-kira ada berapa kepala kelurga laba-laba di sini? Apa laba-laba yang ada di sini sudah cukup untuk membuat Negara Laba-Laba? Jika iya, bisakah aku ikut? Aku memang tidak tahu cra menjadi laba-laba, tapi paling tidak aku tidak akan memusnahkan kalian dengan cara menginjak-injak koloni yang sudah dibangun di sini. Baiklah, aku mulai melantur. Salahkan bulan puasa yang setiap tahun tak kusukai dan satu kotak es krim yang sangat ingin kumakan sekarang.

Jadi, untuk apa aku di sini? Aku lelah dengan suara di kepalaku. Berbicara pada orang lain jelas akan mendapat nasehat yang sama, yaitu sabar. Berbicara dengan sumber yang bersangkutan juga tak mungkin karena emosiku pasti akan meledak. Yang saat ini kupercayai hanya Mimi dan Lutung. Sisanya, aku tak yakin.

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[HEART TO HEART] I Found Him

Around 6 years ago, I was in Soekarno-Hatta airport, just finished my national debate competition. Too bad, we lost.Too much pressure from school and from our region killed our confidence. Thus, I prayed. I know that my prayer had nothing to do with the competition, but somehow it has everything to do with how that competition made me feel.

All my life before that, I had been thinking into being ‘someone’, someone who can change the world and has big impact worldwide. I wanted to inspire many people. I wanted to be the reason why people want to change to be better. But, at that time, on the plane, I changed my dream: I only want to find someone who is worthy enough to change myself to be better.

Years passed by, heartbreak hit, tears poured down, fuckboy everywhere, that someone is still ‘zilch’. Until I arrived to the point when I no longer cared to boys and just be whoever the fuck I wanted to be. I had wild photoshoot, being kinda intimate and a lil sexting with some boys, being att-whore. And I thought to myself, “I won’t let anyone to change who I really am.”

Then, he came along. If you were Indonesian, perhaps you’re familiar with this phrase taken from Avatar cartoon credits, “Sebelum negara api menyerang.” He is my “Negara Api.” My world came tumbling down. He overhauls everything I believed in. Bare skin? Cross that out. Sexy transparent blouse? Cross that out. Hot pants? Cross that out. Wild photoshoot? Cross that out. Smoking and drinking? Cross that out. To be precise, he crosses all the bad things in my and I AM FINE WITH THAT. Once, I hated being told to by someone, even by my mom. But, now? This boy who hasn’t been here for 22 years told me to leave out all my transparent blouse? Yes, Captain! You got that! I am willingly accept it!

He fucking changed everything. Like, literally everything. Even he changed the way I see the world. And yes, people, I love it. And yes, he is the one. And yes, if God does exist, he did answer my prayer 6 years ago.

I tried a few things, whether he really is the one or not. And yes, he is. Nothing in the world can make me feel any better but him, not even Jaejoong nor text from other guys. He practically became the only reason why I am happy.

So, yeah, I found him. I did find him. I do find him.

 

Sign,

Rosa Azazil

[HEART] You are One of My Special Memories

There are some special memories that I carry throughout my life; they are my father’s protection when I fell from his motorbike (he hurt himself in order to save me from pain), my imaginary world with my brother when we were young (we lived in the sea and our house was built of clamp), my mom’s hug in the middle of the night while whispering that I was her most precious diamond (I was upset to her because she didn’t let me watching midnight romance serial in the television), my first conversation with my bestfriend–intan, my sister’s comforting hug every time I felt like giving up, and the last, everything you did–and I do really wish you will always do it all over again–to me these couple of months. What are they? Oh, darling, words are far too easy to describe them, and even I lost count of them. But, let me try with the easiest ones: your back that I always hug while we are riding on your motorbike, your cute smile to me, your head that sometimes lean on my shoulder, your heartbeat, your gaze, your warm hug (that kind of hug that always assures me that everything’s gonna be okay even if dinosaurs return from their death), and your whisper of ‘I love you’. I could close my eyes and repeat those scenes over and over and over and over and over again.
I used to think that finding someone you love and loves you back is surreal and impossible. Then, you came along like a summer breeze and spring flower. You didn’t even try to break the walls I made to protect myself from hurting, it fell by itself, and I didn’t even give a fuck. It’s like finding the right piece to my puzzle and damn, I really love the feeling, and I love you. I do wish I am not the only who fall this hard, I hope you do too. I hope both of us really fall into this stupid hole that we called the love madness.

With love,
Rosa Azazil

[HEART TO HEART] The Same You, Again

Hey, you again. It’s me, again, the same stupid girl. Are you wondering what I am doing now? Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I just asked you what you are doing now three minutes ago via chat. (I wish you ask the same thing to me, though).
It has been 5 months, excluding one week we spent trying to figure out whether we wanted to bring stuffs we did into relationships or not. These are incredible 5 months, I must say. Roller-coaster chat, conversation, dates, games, movies, fights, insecurities, you can add more points here.
Let me tell you one secret, I’ve never planned in falling in love with you this deep, or loving you this deep, or sticking with you in this relationship this deep. I thought the comforts you gave to me in our first meeting will be enough for me, and no love would be involved. Why? It is because once I love, I love fierce, I don’t love casually, and sometimes it is a burden. I’ve been hurt too many times and I couldn’t handle it if I have go through that heartbreak once more. So, yeah, I’ve tried hard, so hard, to keep this heart in place. I know that was easy so easy to love you, and I kept telling myself that you might hurt me, that nothing lasts forever, that goodbye was around the corner. Therefore, I stayed at the verge of valley, preventing myself to jump. Perhaps, I could keep myself from falling to you by telling myself that love hurts. That was lie; I was wrong. I couldn’t help it. I fell, at last, deep and terrible. Even when I jumped, I didn’t even know whether we shared the mutual feeling or not. That was a risky jump, but I did it anyway. Did I regret it? Sometimes, yes, when this love feels too big to be handled by myself, when I miss the old me who was being independent, when I had to accept the fact that you were too busy to give me full attention. Yet, you are a miracle, an answer, a freaking gift, I am thankful to have someone like you whom I can say good morning to, tell how my days are, share secrets with, playing games with, being silly with, and I would still choose you in a hundred lifetimes.
This has been 5 months only and I still have no idea how come I could feel this way. It is scary to imagine how big this love gonna be in the future.
I did mistakes, yesterday, didn’t I? We have different common sense and perceptions and I should have asked you about that. Again, I am terribly sorry for causing you headache and for not telling you about that. It is a new challenge, isn’t it? Perhaps we’re gonna encounter it again later. Perhaps we’re gonna fight again. Perhaps we’re gonna be selfish again. But, you know what, I am fine with that. As long as I do it with you, following things don’t matter. And even if I have to give up my current common sense about this world, I am fine. You’re with me, that’s all matter.

With faith,
Rosa Azazil

[HEART] You: Smile and Scent

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Hey, you.
It is 11.11 PM and I am writing about you. This is January 12th 2016 and the 122nd after the very first time I saw you in front of my boarding house. You were asleep, I know, you sent me that cute sticker, Bony and Cony hugging each other.
Allow me to write this while you’re still mine. You are probably about to go since it is tiring to be with someone as childish, as selfish, and as spoiled as me. When you’re gone, I’ll be damned to write about how much I love someone who isn’t even mine. I need to write this, you know that, or my heart will explode.

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[HEART] Moment of Silence

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Last Saturday, there was a big concert held somewhere in Jakarta. In the meantime, if you are Indonesian and also EXO-L (would you please tell me people who is giving that stupid simple inelegant name?), you probably screamed here and there, tweeted this and that, updated whatsoever, and cursed anything and/or anyone you can about how unfair it is for you to not being able present among the big mad crowd fangirl in the concert venue. Apparently, in those crowd of mad fangirls who were I am pretty sure forming their mouths screaming as if the state of orgasm, there was a very dearest friend of mine watching the same concert. And do you think I will write something mainstream and perhaps being written too by others about how unfair it is for me to not be in the same place as her? You get busted; I don’t.

So, what the hell am I doing here? Honestly, I don’t even know what to write! Fantastic, huh? But, here is the plot twist, since I don’t know what to write (which is once in a blue moon because mostly I always figure out what to write ten minutes before I type first alphabet in my post), you’ll be surprised. Maybe it has something to do with concert, sincerity, life, love, dreams, or even just about sex.

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[HEART] UNSTAN EXO

OT12 Great title, huh?

Does it catch your attention?

Good, then. It is because right now I want to tell something new about me. Not really important of course. Who am I after all in your life?

But, it will be good if you stop by and read; maybe you will see something from many different perspectives.

Why do I keep barging you about different perspectives? Maybe you read my previous posts and I keep repeating it.

Do you know Sofie’s Verden, philosophical novel written by Jostein Gaarder? I read that novel when I was around 15 or 16—I don’t quite remember actually. One thing I really remember and has stucked in my head until now is about those who lived under the rabbit’s fur. Confused? Let me explain you. Those who lived in the rabbit’s fur tend to see from one perspective only. They only can look up to the sky and hope to jump out to see bigger view. But, they didn’t want to; the place where they lived right now is the safe zone. They are afraid to jump out and see the bigger view only to find out their expectation is no true. However, there are some people that jump out from the rabbit’s fur. Out of it, they become bigger and realize that the rabbit is so much smaller under their feet. They can look the rabbit completely. And even though it is true that their expectation didn’t fit the reality, they were relieved because at least they can see the bigger view.

It is the metaphor. Those who I call ‘they’ are us. We are who bounded in K-Pop world. We are who stuck in front of our laptop and scream our bias’s indefatigably. We are who spend our money to buy the merchandises and albums while we know can spend it for something else. We are who judge those who hate us for loving K-Pop.

Why don’t we leave? Why do we have stayed for so long? Why do feel being safe here? Even though there are many dramas in K-Pop, we still stay. Why?

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[HEART] Fangirl’s Feeling

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Hello beautiful world!!

Hmm, sudah masuk bulan puasa nih, tapi kayaknya virus yadong nista gue ga hilang-hilang juga. Haha. Tapi, tenang aja. Virus itu aktif pas malam hari kok, kalo siang hari dia ngumpet. Hehe.

So, what I am gonna talk about?

Masalah gue kemaren aja deh yaaa..

Jadi, ceritanya itu gini, kemaren kan ada acara JYJ Membership Week tuh.. Jadi gue mau ceritain pengalaman gue dateng ke acara itu..

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Ga, bo’ong ding… Mustahil banget gue dateng ke sana, secara finansial gue aja udah keteteran beliin album bias gue. Nah, jadi gue cuma mantengin live report-nya aja di Twitter. Berharap menemukan sesuatu yang bikin gue bahagia, gue baca deh semua interview mereka. Tapi, alih-alih seneng, yang ada gue sebel.

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[HEART] DEAR EXO

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Dear EXO,

Wah, akhirnya kalian comeback juga ya, setelah sekian lama. Jadi inget deh, betapa gregetannya waktu dulu nungguin kalian bener-bener debut, setelah puluhan teaser itu (percaya atau ga, folder EXO teaser di laptop gue ukurannya 1 GB! Cuman teaser lo! Kebayang kan betapa ngenesnya gue nungguin 12 alien itu). Tahu ga, waktu nungguin satu persatu teaser kalian muncul, aku sama temen-temenku bolos  cuma buat donlot di warnet. Ga panter dibanggain, sih.. Maaf ya kalau kalian marah. Masalahnya kalian itu bikin gregetan tahuuuu.. Tiap teaser kalian itu bikin sport jantung, hipertensi, batuk-batuk, kejang-kejang, pingsan, gejala-gejala aneh deh pokoknya.

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